Never off

Do you ever feel like life is panning out exactly the way it was supposed to…like all your ducks are in a row…like things are just going your way? Like you just feel on top of the world?

I don’t. I wonder, are there people who do feel like that? And are they within their right to feel like this or is it delusional because really no one can ever truly have their shit together and they should stop pretending?

Do some people lay in bed to go to sleep and then just fall asleep? Guess I should be more specific – are there any women who can lay in bed and fall asleep? I write this as my husband snores next to me. It’s like a slap in the face. He’s deep in dreamland while my brain is a battlefield. He basically fell asleep a few hours before he actually even lay in bed. I can see it in his face, he falls asleep even though physically he’s up. And 3 seconds into laying in bed, I ask him a random question that emerged from the depths of my brain and I don’t get a reply because low and behold…his body has caught up with his mind and now they are both asleep. Love him so much.

Doesn’t he have worries? Questions about life? Concerns about what might happen to the world in 20 years? Fears about what the future holds? Should we get chickens for the garden? What if the world has no eggs left? But then what if they attract rats? Or foxes get them? Can’t be having dead chickens out there. Flashes of baffling celebrity news that our mere mortal brains can’t comprehend …why brangelina didn’t work out …. don’t ask me why or how these things crop up because I don’t follow famous people (all the ones I love have died – shout out to Freddie, MJ, you know who you are )… yet still… why did Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie not work out? And why am I thinking about this before bed? Do I care? Of course not. But then why is this in my brain?

And why does my husband not have any concerns about the volcanoes that are erupting in Hawaii? Or the plane that crashed in Nepal where the copilot was a woman who lost her husband in a plane crash years before when he was the copilot of that plane and all of this inspired her to become a pilot in the first place … why, why is life so unfair? Maybe I should delete the BBC app.

Why is my heart pounding and my brain going haywire in the middle of the night? It must be when male differentiation occurs in the womb …It must switch off the worrying gene in the male brains. Wish I could pause mine just between 10pm-12am so that I could fall asleep then my brain can dream all the wildness that it desires but at least my body will be asleep. Please God can I have that as a very early birthday present.

Just want some brain peace! Tried sleepy tea, doesn’t work. Tried nyquil, works like a charm but obvs unhealthy and not good for you so that’s a no. Don’t do drugs and too afraid to mess up hormones and take melatonin. So what’s the solution? Prayers. Reading a book. No clue. Only when the exhaustion of the day and laying here for 3 hours with the brain on overdrive kicks in… will I then have some peace.

Did I give the correct dose of meds to that dog? Was I grumpy at work? Should I have repeated bloods on the in-patient?

Okay maybe if I put the phone down … 🤯😴

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